So far I've tried hard not to dwell in grief - or to dwell at all. After the first one in May, I shrugged it off knowing that sometimes these things just happen. I got pregnant again quickly. They asked me if I wanted to come in for testing, and I laughed them off, thinking there was no way I would miscarry again (after all, I had Mikey and Jonny after having a miscarriage before getting pregnant with Mikey). They agreed that I was probably right, and everything would probably be fine. Except it wasn't. Just a few days after getting my positive result on a pregnancy test in July, I started bleeding. Again.
I started doing research. The doctor agreed that we should test my hormones to rule that out. So, in August, I went in to test my progesterone levels at CD 21. And they were low. The doctor was happy - he knew just what to do! Clomid was the answer! When my next cycle started in September, I was to take Clomid on cycle days 5-9. Except my next cycle didn't start, because OMG I was pregnant AGAIN! I ran back in to have my HCG and Progesterone tested again, and we were able to determine that my progesterone was still low (but not as low as it had been) and my HCG was 32. I started my progesterone supplements, confident that we had intervened early enough. For the rest of that week, I enjoyed the symptoms of early pregnancy, and took pregnancy tests everyday to watch the line get darker.
But then, that weekend, I woke up feeling "normal" - and my gut told me something wasn't right. So, like a fool, I took another one of those home pregnancy tests, and while it was still positive, the line was much lighter. Much much lighter. It weighed heavy on my heart all weekend, when finally I decided to go into the doctor's office on Tuesday morning to get my HCG levels tested again. The results came back at 13, another chemical pregnancy.
I stopped the progesterone supplement, and now I'm just waiting for the miscarriage to start. I'm so very sad. It would be easy to just give up at this point, because afterall, we have two gorgeous boys that I cherish. But I can't shrug off this dream I have of having a house full of little ones. 5 has been the number stuck in my head.
It still stings though. Especially when I get a text message from my little sister with a picture of a positive pregnancy test attached. /sigh.